the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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