watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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