My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
accomplished twins. life is a go
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
