Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
