well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Randomize
