The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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