So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
