Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
