based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
