If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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