Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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