I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
