he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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