if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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