two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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