Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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