She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
