rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
