Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
