I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
