i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
Randomize
