remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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