Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Randomize
