Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
