Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
he fucked my hip out of place.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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