If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
