so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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