hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
