pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
