i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
Randomize
