I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
