i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
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