So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
