How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Randomize
