I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
