Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Randomize
