Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Randomize
