He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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