I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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