Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
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