I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Randomize
