the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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