Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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