I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
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