I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
