apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
