Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Randomize
