Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
