i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
