Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
